Winter

11/15/2018


October 2nd, 2018 is the day my never-ending winter began. This is the day we lost our son.

The morning of- 

I woke up to a bright phone light shining in my face. I rolled over to my right side to see Liam sitting up in the middle of our bed watching YouTube videos on my phone. This was typical, he always managed to crawl into our bed every single night. It was still dark out so I assumed it was still early. I asked Liam to hand me my phone so I could see what time it was. The second I walked to the bathroom and looked at the time on my phone, I knew something bad was wrong. The time read, 7:13 am. My heart instantly sank into my stomach. I wanted to puke. Logan woke up every single morning between 6:30-6:45 am without fail. He was our daily alarm clock. Before I could even get to his room Liam was at his door saying, "Let's go wake up Logi Bear, Mama!" I instantly said "NO! Let Mommy do it." In a scared, stern voice. 

It's just like I knew.

I turned his door handle slowly, hoping and praying that my gut feeling was wrong. His smiling, sleepy face didn't pop up to the sound of me entering. I ran to his crib. I touched his leg and it felt like ice. My sweet, baby boy was unresponsive. The sounds that left my body after that moment were like scenes from a horror movie. I screamed the most blood, curdling scream for Justin. He knew by the terror in my voice that something terrible had happened. He raced in and laid him on the floor and immediately started CPR. He yelled for me to call 911. 

In the midst of the chaos I couldn't find one single phone. I started running through the house, just screaming "My baby, not my baby! God, please, please just take me!" I finally found Justin's work phone and dialed 911. 

The moments after that are a blur. I remember bits and pieces. I remember sweet Liam grabbing onto my legs crying and screaming as he witnessed it all. I remember opening up the door for the officer and begging him to save my baby. Once the Paramedics got there, they rushed him out to the ambulance. I asked if I could ride in the back and they told me "no mam."

I knew right then and there my baby was gone forever.

There are a lot of details that happened at the hospital that I just cant relive or put back into words right now. The sights, sounds and scenes we had to witness still haunt me every single time I close my eyes. We lived every single parents worst nightmare. It was truly hell on earth. 

We got his autopsy report back last week. 
For five straight weeks we drove ourselves crazy trying to figure out a reason why. Sadly, we got no real answers.

His death certificate/cause of death reads: "undetermined." 

Through this entire experience I've come to learn one thing, I'm not in control. My will, is sometimes not His. The only thing that brings us peace is our faith in God. I know Logan's story has touched so many lives. I truly believe he fulfilled his purpose here on earth and was called home. I wake up every single day and choose to honor his memory and forever love like him. 17 months with him was not enough but I know he's waiting for us to be together again. 

'The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit.' 
Psalm 34:18

*I will share more of our journey when I feel ready and comfortable.*

#lovelikelogi

31 comments :

  1. I'm so incredibly sorry. Your heartbreak and anguish mirrors the depths of your love. Praying for you and your family. Love, Erin

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  3. I am so sorry you and your family has endured this horrible loss. The feeling that you actually have not control over your life is a agonizing feeling and can drive you crazy if you focus on it. I lost my baby boy, Alex in 2001, I was 22 weeks pregnant and it was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. I was hateful and resentful during that time but I did pull through. I focused on being a mom to the little ones I still had with me. I know our losses are different in many ways but please know I’m thinking of you and your beautiful family everyday. Thank you for sharing your story, I know it must have been very hard to do. Love, Alicia

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  4. I'm so sorry for your loss. My son passed away in 2010 at a young age and I know how you are feeling...like literally know. I feel your pain and I pray for you often. I found him, in his bed, cold, and unresponsive. So strange you say you knew...I felt that as well whe I woke up and raced downstairs to his bedroom. It's been 8 years for me and it still haunts me daily. I'm not the same, my 2 daughters are not the same. But we are stronger... Stay strong mama...your other 2 need you! ((HUGS)) My heart is breaking for you. The pain is so real and people will tell you time will heal and it will get easier. But the truth is...it NEVER gets easier. And my daughters lost a sibling that day so then your heart is also hurting for them because they don't fully understand. Being a Mom and finding your child that way...in the morning in his bed....I will never get that out of my head.....the what ifs and the if I just... I'm praying for your family.

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  5. I’m so sorry. There are t words that will bring you comfort. Instead, know this: when I become overwhelmed or impatient with my kids, Your story is the first thing that pops into my head. I take a deep breath and think of you, Logan’s Mom. I can’t fathom what you and your family have experienced. You didn’t deserve it. No k e ever does. He has touched so many lives, I see that on Instagram. Thank you for Sharing your story. Thank you, Logan, for making ME a better mom to my kids through the horrible realization that nothing is promised. To live each day like it’s the last. And to count your blessings. Sending hugs and prayers every single Day. ❤️

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  6. I got goosebumps and couldnt read without tearing up. I am so so sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I have a 5 month old and cannot fathom the idea of never seeing him again! I pray God gives you peace in your heart! Much love!

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  7. ♥️ I know this was not easy. As a mother of two, I struggled reading your Logan’s story. Completely gut wrenching. Just wanted to drop in to say I am lifting your family up in prayer as I continue to pray for you all. • Jessica (Savannah, GA)

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  8. I am so sorry for your utterly devastating loss. I cannot fathom the pain you are in. I send you an abundance of prayers and love.

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  9. My heart is just broken for you. I don’t even know you and I wish I could take away your pain. I will hug my boys even tighter tonight. I can’t even fathom what you’re going through. I’m praying for peace in you and your families hearts.

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  10. My heart is hurting for you. My family will be praying for your family.

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  11. I just happened upon your blog. A fellow coworker lost her 2 year old daughter in a tragic accident a few years ago. Like yours, her faith is amazing. If you have not found it already, I encourage you to friend, Lindsay Miller, on FB or go to www.4sadie.com She has started an amazing ministry, Hope Family Care Ministries. Prayers of comfort for your family.

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  12. Thank you for sharing the most horrible experience of your life. I know just even opening up yourself mentally to the details and typing it out had to bring back the feelings of that morning. Praying for you.

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  13. You have been in my thoughts every single day. I pray that you gather strength with each day that passes. No mother should have to go through the pain that you are enduring but I think you are beyond amazing for taking tragedy and using it to help others. Thank you for having the courage to share.

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  14. Sending an endless amount of prayers, love and support.

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  15. My heart hurts so much reading this. I cannot fathom what all you and your family have endured. I think if you all the time & pray for you often. If there is something specific to this tragedy I can Pray for, please let me know!
    My prayers will continue to be with you and your family.
    Proverbs 3:5&6
    -Jolene H

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  16. Please know that you are constantly in my prayers. May the Lord give you peace during such a difficult time. I hope you know Logan is your guardian angel and that he has touched the lives of so many people who have not even met him. All the blessings to you dear! Be strong. Xoxo

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  17. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hope you & your family find comfort in time. I know a family that found the SUDC foundation to be supportive during a similar tragic experience. Xo

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  18. I’m so sorry for your lose. I am a first time mom, and I have learnt what love really means. I can’t even imaging the pain you may be going thru. It’s unimginabke.
    I am not a religious person I can only wish for peace in your heart and now with your new baby on the way.
    God is your guide in your life and I hope you get what your seeking.

    Lots of bugs and love to your family.

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  19. I really hope this message does not come across as insensitive, but I felt compelled to ask: have you and your family looked into vaccine injury/ death? This is such a hard question to ask, and I know that there is so much contraversity around the subject.
    I truly truly hope you and your beautiful family find the answers you need, to fully and completely heal from this tragedy. Sometimes we don’t get answers, but God somehow can shed light, hope and always grace.
    Blessings❤️

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    1. Mommy of 3 - I have wondered the same thing since I followed Lauren's story. I have a daughter the same age as her son Logan, so her story is very relevant and I can seem to stop thinking about her and her family.

      Lauren, I too hope your family finds the answers you need. God bless.

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  20. My heart breaks with yours. I'm so very sorry you are experiencing such heartache here on earth. Thank you for the willingness to lead other broken hearts to Jesus in the midst of unthinkable turmoil. May the peace of God that surpasses all understanding surround you and fill your home. May joy abound while happiness is lost and may there be love over all. There is joy for your sorrow and laughter for your tears, in Jesus name.

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  21. So sorry you or anyone that ever had to go through something like this ever ! It doesn’t seem fair & you will never understand WHY :(
    Sending you strength & prayers and so many hugs for you and your family .♥️

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  22. Lauren, I’ve been following your families journey and wanted to thank you for being so open and transparent about all of this, as difficult as that may be.
    My husband and i experienced a miscarriage on March 1st, 2018 at 3:30am and reading your testimony daily has helped to encourage me and strengthen my faith.
    God is definitely close to the broken-hearted and you and your sweet family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers ♥️
    God never promised for this life to be easy, but He did promise that it would be so worth it.
    I never had the pleasure of meeting your sweet Logi, but am thankful for his sweet life and because his story has helped me emotionally heal, I’d like to think that our babies are in heaven holding hands as they wait for us.
    Love you sweet friend and am always here for you!
    -Shelby Bowman

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  23. Praying endlessly for your family from South Carolina.

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  24. I pray every day for you and your family. I can't imagine what you're going through and I wish I could take your pain away. I am so sorry for your loss :( Your story has changed the way I am living my life.

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  25. I am so sorry for your loss. It angers me that all they can come back with from the autopsy is “undetermined”. This reminds me too much of Nick Catone’s story of his son passing at 20 months old and they too didn’t get any answers until they had them test for more stuff. They talk about it in this video, I hope it can help in some way. https://youtu.be/YpRAbfhIhlo Praying for you & your family!

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  26. I pray for you and your family. So glad you have your faith, that’s the only thing that will help you through. If you don’t know him already, I encourage you to look up Greg Laurie, the pastor of Harvest Ministries, and listen to his sermons. He lost a son as well and talks about the experience of losing him in many of his sermons. Maybe that will help you find a little comfort.

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  27. Lauren, Justin and Liam. I am so sorry. I pray God’s indescribable peace comes over you all as you make your way through this pain. I pray that He does help you remember Logi for his joy, love and laughter he brought, and through that his legacy of love remains in your family. I pray for your hearts as they are broken, that they will be made new. They will never be whole again, but that from the mending them you are too made new and through this you’re able to reach thousands of wounded moms in mourning, and I pray you can be a testimony of God’s love and grace through it all. Sending you all so much love ❤️

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  28. Their are no words, no words I can say to take your pain away. Please mama just know that I am so so so terribly sorry. My heart breaks for you & I think about you & your sweet family & Logan very often! I am praying for you all every.single.day!

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  29. Lauren, I am deeply sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. My heart aches for you and your family. Reading your story was like reading my own. We lost our 18 month old son, Caleb on March 24th 2018. It sounds very similar. His older sister was there to witness it all. I'm praying for strength for you to get through, one day at a time. I'm not sure if you are aware but there is an organization called SUDC foundation. It stands for sudden unexplained death in children. My Caleb is also a victim of SUDC. They are an amazing organization that has given my family wonderful support and resources. I would greatly recommend contacting them when you are ready. Sudc.org There is a wonderful parent support group that has?been really helpful. Losing your child the way you have can sometimes feel isolating. If you ever want to talk, let me know. I'm so sorry you are living this nightmare. Much love!!!

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