Our Tragic Story

6/24/2013

May 15th is the day my life changed forever. May 15th is the day I found out Justin and I were expecting our first child. I was at work when I decided to take a test, I just had a strange feeling I could be pregnant. As soon as that plus sign appeared on my generic pregnancy stick my heart literally skipped a beat... maybe even two. The word ecstatic would be a complete understatement when used to describe my emotions at that moment. I had truly never been happier. Justin and I had been trying to get pregnant since October and it had finally happened! I already had this entire {super cute} scenario of how I would tell Justin planned out but that all went out the window. I couldn't wait a second longer! 
I had to tell him our amazing news. He was at work so I sent him a text and the convo went a little like this: I said, "I really need you to come straight home after work!!!! :)" He replied back with, "Why?" I then went on to say, "Just because I need you too!!! :) :) :)" Well that resulted in a phone call... as soon as he answered I just kept saying, "OMG OMG OMG!" I finally blurted out, "WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!" and he truly said, "SHUT UP, you're lying..." I had to reassure him like 20 times that I was really telling the truth. {I clearly tell lies a lot in our relationship??} After his initial shock wore off he couldn't have been happier. Once he got off work he bought me two more EPT pregnancy tests to "be sure!" He told me he didn't trust a Kroger brand test lol! After I had 3 BRIGHT positive plus signs he came to the final conclusion that I was indeed, very pregnant! 

We ended up telling all of our family that same night because we just can't keep secrets! We got both of our parents a card that stated: "Dear Grandma & Grandpa, You have 9 months to save up some money so that the spoiling can begin! I love you already... Love, Baby Fondaw." They loved it! Our families couldn't wait to have a new addition to the family! I can honestly say that day/night was one of the best days in my entire life. 

Two days later I went for my first appointment to confirm our pregnancy and get a check up. From the outside, baby and I were doing just fine. 

On Sunday, May 27th {at 8 weeks} I made our announcement public with these announcement photos! They were a huge hit in the FB/Twitter/Instagram world! 
Not long after this announcement I landed a great, new nanny job for the summer. I however lost a lot of my free time and went from working 3 days a week to 5 days a week {M-F 7:30-5:30.} With that being said, blogging just wasn't my top priority. I wanted to blog SO badly and document all of my 'bumpdates' and baby news but ALL I could think about after work was SLEEP. Tiredness was my biggest symptom! I could sleep day and night, around the clock and still be tired! 

I posted this 3 month 'bumpdate' picture on FB/Instagram and wish SO badly that I blogged about my progress. This is the caption I posted along with the picture: "Our little babe is growing like crazy! As of last Saturday I'm officially 3 months pregnant!  He/she is measuring in just a little over 1 ounce {about the size of a green olive} and has graduated from an embryo to a fetus! Mama is still feeling good and very excited about our first family trip to Nashville!  Thanking God for this wonderful life and blessing!"
As the weeks kept progressing I was feeling better and better! My tiredness was beginning to fade and I just felt more like myself again. Justin and I had been discussing names, talking about room details as well as planning out our gender reveal party!  I even decided to order these adorable little cupcake toppers for our party in August! 
Since this Father's Day was Justin's first "OFFICIAL" one I just couldn't let it go by unnoticed! I got him a first Father's Day card and a onesie for each baby gender! He loved them both and I'm so glad I chose to celebrate it this year for him. 
This picture below is the last picture I got to take of my tiny baby bump. I was at the pool swimming with the girls and glanced down and noticed just how much my bump had grown.
If you haven't noticed already, our story doesn't have our fairy tale ending that we had so desperately hoped for... 

This part of our story is truly the saddest and hardest thing I've ever had to write.

On Thursday, June 20th Justin and I went to our doctors appointment to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. The nurse practitioner started rubbing the Doppler around my stomach and couldn't hear anything but my heartbeat. She tried and tried and kept reassuring me that this was completely normal with their older equipment. She finally "detected" our baby's heart beat at 144 but said she couldn't hear it because I was only 12 weeks along? I started crying on the bed because I knew deep down something was wrong. I convinced her to let me have an early ultrasound for the following Wednesday.

Two days later- Saturday, June 22nd around 7am I woke up covered in a sea of blood. I instantly started screaming/hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably. I knew right then that I had lost our baby. 

After rushing to the hospital and many tests/ultrasounds later they confirmed that I was miscarrying our first child. They said the baby never fully developed and I more than likely lost the baby between 6 and 7 weeks and my body was just now starting to realize I was no longer pregnant. 

Tears covered my face, I had never felt more alone or helpless. Our first child, our BABY was no longer alive. 

As I have been writing this post I have felt so empty and so lost. I finally made my decision to have a D&C surgery done to remove the baby. I just don't think I could handle passing our baby naturally and seeing our tiny baby come out that way. I go tomorrow morning at 6am to have the surgery. 

I'm trying so hard not to question God's will for us but sometimes it's SO hard not to. I know he has a plan for our lives I just don't understand it sometimes. I know the power of prayer is an amazing thing. I would truly appreciate all the prayers we can get during this devastating time. 

To my sweet, beautiful angel...

Mommy and Daddy love you more than you'll ever know. Even though we never got the chance to hold you in our arms you are forever connected and bonded with us in our hearts. We will always remember you and love you until our last day here on this earth. I thank God for the short amount of time that we had with you. May God take care of you now and forever up in Heaven. I love you with every ounce of my heart. 

Love, your Mommy

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72 comments :

  1. Lauren, you are such a strong woman! Stronger than you think. I am SO very sorry!! This post was beautifully written. Praying for you & Justin! Love you!

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  2. Praying for you and your family, sweet girl. No words can make this better, but just know that so many people are thinking of you and love you. You are NOT alone! <3

    xo

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  3. Praying for your both! I don't know what will come of this but I know putting God first and trusting in Him always brings you to a better place you never could imagine. Mourning is normal and needed, never feel bad about it!

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  4. Im so sorry you had to go through this! Praying for you and your family. I know how hard this is, be strong sweet girl! xo, Ashley

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  5. praying for you so so much girl...you and your whole family. You have such a strong support system and you are not alone. I'm so so sorry girl :( thinking of you lots and lots

    xoxox

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  6. I know I commented on your instagram picture, but I am so sorry for your loss. I instantly felt sick to my stomach when I saw your post because all the feelings I had back last September came rushing over me. This is something I wish no one had to go through, but the one thing I found from being open about it and sharing it on the blog, is that it happens to a lot of us...a lot more than I could have ever imagined. Both ryan and I are praying for you and your husband and our hearts go out to you. If you ever want to talk, I am always here. Let yourself feel sad and grieve. I love you lady!

    Kaitlyn

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  7. I'm praying so hard for you Lauren. Know that you are loved by many and that God is covering you with His love. xoxo

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  8. I'm so sorry Lauren. You all are definietly in my prayers! God is The Great Comforter.

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  9. I am so, so sorry for your terrible loss.

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  10. I'm so sorry for your loss. Stay strong doll.

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  11. Oh sweet lady, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't pretend to know what you are going through, but i'm sending you a hug and prayers.

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  12. There are no words that seem appropriate to say but I'm so sorry for your loss. You're so, so brave and thank you for sharing such personal news. I can't help but question God either when it comes to things like this but I'm sure that in due time you will be graced with another little blessing. I wish you all the best with your surgery and with all that is to come for you and your husband.

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  13. You will be in my prayers. You just seem like you are the nicest and sweetest girl IRL. I'm sorry for your loss.

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  14. Ugh I cry just reading this. I'm so sorry Lauren. You are the sweetest ever and I'm thinking of you.

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  15. Sweet girl my heart immediately broke when I saw your instagram update over the weekend. I am SO SO SO sorry for your loss. Though I can't say firsthand I know what you're going through, please know I have literally thought about you all weekend long. (I even mentioned it to my husband...who obviously doesn't even know who you are.) Any woman would start to question God's plan but please know He DOES have a good one for you. He always does. :) My SIL lost her first baby when she was 10 weeks along. She tried and tried for a while to get pregnant again and lo and behold...she now has TRIPLETS! God blessed her THREE times more. :) It's more than okay to be sad right now. It's your right as a woman and a mother. But please just know, this too shall pass. Many thoughts and prayers for you and your husband. xo

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  16. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Having just gone through this myself, I know how hard it is to type out those words. It's a loss that nothing can ever quite prepare you for. It does get easier, week by week, but our little angel babies are something that can never be forgotten. Praying for your surgery tomorrow, take care x

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  17. There are no words to describe the feelings you must be going through. I just know that when the timing is right you and your husband will be blessed with a child. Praying for you.

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  18. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs and positive thoughts for you during your procedure tomorrow.

    Jill
    Classy with a Kick

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  19. I'm so so so sorry! Praying for you and your husband to get through this awful time.

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  20. Lauren, this post brought me to tears as it brought back all the feelings I experienced with my miscarriage back in October 2011. It is a feeling of loss that you can't understand unless you've been through it. It took me a long time to truly accept what happened, and trust me, there were plenty of times that I found myself questioning God as to why this had to happen to me. One of the things that comforted me the most was knowing that I COULD get pregnant. {That had been a fear of mine for a long time.} Now, I'm on the other side of things {I had my little boy 11 days ago}, and just know that it IS possible to have a perfectly normal pregnancy and healthy baby after having a miscarriage. Trust in God...all will happen in His timing!

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  21. I will be praying for you as you recover and heal from this difficult time. You are so strong and have already endured so much. I pray that you will once again feel that joy of motherhood. Wishing you a safe surgery tomorrow and many hugs as you go through this difficult time. You seem to have a wonderful support system, don't be afraid to use them.

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  22. So so sorry. I went through this and there are really no words. It is so painful. Praying for you.

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  23. I am so, SO sorry Lauren. I can't even begin to imagine your pain. I will be praying for you and your husband!

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  24. Oh my gosh...I am sooo sorry to hear this. Thank you sooo much for sharing this with us. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to type this. I'll say a prayer for you. Keep your chin up!! Everything happens for a reason and always remember that GOD knows best. Your little angel is up in heaven now and you will get to meet him/her one day. You are now a mommy. I truly know that GOD is going to help you, your husband and all your family thru this time. HE will indeed bless you again in HIS timing. Just have faith. I know the hurt will probably never go away but I pray that GOD will at least make it easier. I follow a blog Mackey Madness. You may too?! She had a miscarriage the first time around and now look at her. She has beautiful baby Emory. Maybe following her and reading her story will help you.

    I wish I would have known sooner. I'm glad you shared when you did.

    Good luck with everything tomorrow. I know you'll be just fine and I completely understand the decision you made. Keep looking up!! A better day is coming!!!! :)

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  25. oh yeah.....update as soon as you can so we know how your doing!!!! ;)

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  26. What a heartbreaking story - my heart goes out to you and Justin. I can't even imagine how hard that must be, but I'm sure you're receiving loads of support. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

    xoxo

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  27. I am so terribly sorry sweet girl. I am praying for peace and comfort for you and your husband

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  28. I've been praying and will continue to pray for you. So sorry sweet girl :( you are loved.

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  29. I am so sorry you had to go through this. As soon as i saw your post i knew I had offer my support. the hubby and I went through this awful moment back in Oct, and I truly feel your pain! I am so sorry for what happend to you all. I am also so proud of you for sharing it and being open. When i shared my story i found so much support and people who cared. I pray the same happens for you. I will be lifting you all up in prayer.

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  30. I am so sorry for your loss..many prayers to you and your family <3

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  31. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Miscarriage is truly one of the hardest things to go through. your family will be in my prayers

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  32. Praying for you and your husband. We have been through this twice, with our first and second pregnancy as just newlyweds, and i wouldnt wish it on anyone. It was the most emotionally challenging time of our lives. Take the time you all need and dont let anyone decide how you should grieve or feel or heel. Stay strong...praying for comfort and healing.

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  33. And they are right...it took me a year to share our stories...so kudos to you for being so brave. You have touched more people than you know!

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  34. Praying for you and your husband. I know it must be really hard, I'm sorry for this hard time you are going through.

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  35. There's no words that ever can make this better, but know that so many women are with you. I had a miscarriage in January of 2012, and I remember the heartbreak I felt. Thinking of you, and feel free to reach out if you need an ear. <3

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  36. I am so, SO sorry this has happened. I can't imagine what you're going through but know that you're not alone and you have a ton of people here for you. Praying for you and your husband!

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  37. Thinking of you sweet girl. Praying for peace!

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  38. Aww Lauren :( It's all in Gods plan for you and Justin. Your angel is in heaven and that's something that should keep you strong during this time! Who knows maybe your angel will come back to you in the form of twins :) Just a thought!

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  39. You and your husband are in our thoughts and prayers.

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  40. Gosh I am so sorry sweet girl! I know the pain you feel.. but I also know each one of us handle our pain in so many different ways! I am thinking of you both & I hope that in time you both can come to find peace...

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  41. You & Justin are in my prayers.
    <3

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  42. So wish there were some kind of words to help at all Lauren. Thinking and praying and loving on you from Atlanta.

    Ashley

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  43. Ugh I am SO sorry :( :( I have tears in my eyes as I write this because I cannot even imagine the pain you and your husband are feeling. I am so sorry... I pray that God heals you and your family and blesses you again with the joy of a baby. Please let me know if you need anything girl..

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  44. Indeed an informative article. You know what, I have visited babynology.com, which a helpful resource for parents. The site would be a great resource if you like to know how to name your baby. By reading the articles, you will be learning a lot about baby-naming tips and can know various origin names.

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  45. I am so sorry for your loss sweet girl. You have an incredible faith and a sweet husband who will guide you through this difficult time. Us blogging girls and friends are always here for you x

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  46. I wish I knew the perfect thing to say. I'm so sorry for your loss. Praying for both of you. Hugs and kisses coming your way. xoxo

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  47. Again, I am so sorry for your loss! But I know you'll see your sweet baby again and be able to raise him/her!! So much love and prayers for you, your husband and families!

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  48. I just found your blog through Pinterest and decided to take a look around from the beginning. My heart breaks for you and I am so sorry for your loss. I have had two 'early' losses (a missed miscarriage at 10w, baby only grew to 6w and another loss at 5 weeks) and know the pain, dispair, bitterness, sadness, and anger that comes with it.

    There are no words that will help. The typical things you hear will soon (if it hasn't already) make you so angry. Hang on to the Lord and he will guide you through this tragic time. I don't know you but I empathize with any mom who has lost a child and I am sending you many prayers of love and comfort.

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  49. oh my dear. sending to love to you and your family. xoxo

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  50. just thinking of you tonight friend....hope you are doing better. much love to you! XO

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  51. Hey!!! I've been thinking about you. Hope your doing better. Just wanted to let you know you've been on my mind.

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  52. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  53. Lauren!

    Just found your blog via the Dating Divas Date Night Ideas. I love your positivity and style :) new follower (and fellow nanny) here!! This isn't the greatest and most positive post, but sometimes things happen and there's isn't an explanation. I'm sorry, I wish there was something more I could say! Prayers.

    Jenna
    Demureindiamonds.com

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  54. Hi Hun ... I am just catching up on your blog. I don't want to drag up old feelings ... but I too had a miscarriage at 10.5 weeks back in March when I was living in Germany. If you ever want or need to talk, I'm always here with an understanding heart! xox

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  55. I just ran across your blog and I'm so sorry for your loss! My prayers to you and your little family. Very happy for the news you are pregnant again! That makes my heart happy for you. Good luck to you! Wishing you a healthy pregnancy and healthly baby! :-)

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