Winter

11/15/2018


October 2nd, 2018 is the day my never-ending winter began. This is the day we lost our son.

The morning of- 

I woke up to a bright phone light shining in my face. I rolled over to my right side to see Liam sitting up in the middle of our bed watching YouTube videos on my phone. This was typical, he always managed to crawl into our bed every single night. It was still dark out so I assumed it was still early. I asked Liam to hand me my phone so I could see what time it was. The second I walked to the bathroom and looked at the time on my phone, I knew something bad was wrong. The time read, 7:13 am. My heart instantly sank into my stomach. I wanted to puke. Logan woke up every single morning between 6:30-6:45 am without fail. He was our daily alarm clock. Before I could even get to his room Liam was at his door saying, "Let's go wake up Logi Bear, Mama!" I instantly said "NO! Let Mommy do it." In a scared, stern voice. 

It's just like I knew.

I turned his door handle slowly, hoping and praying that my gut feeling was wrong. His smiling, sleepy face didn't pop up to the sound of me entering. I ran to his crib. I touched his leg and it felt like ice. My sweet, baby boy was unresponsive. The sounds that left my body after that moment were like scenes from a horror movie. I screamed the most blood, curdling scream for Justin. He knew by the terror in my voice that something terrible had happened. He raced in and laid him on the floor and immediately started CPR. He yelled for me to call 911. 

In the midst of the chaos I couldn't find one single phone. I started running through the house, just screaming "My baby, not my baby! God, please, please just take me!" I finally found Justin's work phone and dialed 911. 

The moments after that are a blur. I remember bits and pieces. I remember sweet Liam grabbing onto my legs crying and screaming as he witnessed it all. I remember opening up the door for the officer and begging him to save my baby. Once the Paramedics got there, they rushed him out to the ambulance. I asked if I could ride in the back and they told me "no mam."

I knew right then and there my baby was gone forever.

There are a lot of details that happened at the hospital that I just cant relive or put back into words right now. The sights, sounds and scenes we had to witness still haunt me every single time I close my eyes. We lived every single parents worst nightmare. It was truly hell on earth. 

We got his autopsy report back last week. 
For five straight weeks we drove ourselves crazy trying to figure out a reason why. Sadly, we got no real answers.

His death certificate/cause of death reads: "undetermined." 

Through this entire experience I've come to learn one thing, I'm not in control. My will, is sometimes not His. The only thing that brings us peace is our faith in God. I know Logan's story has touched so many lives. I truly believe he fulfilled his purpose here on earth and was called home. I wake up every single day and choose to honor his memory and forever love like him. 17 months with him was not enough but I know he's waiting for us to be together again. 

'The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit.' 
Psalm 34:18

*I will share more of our journey when I feel ready and comfortable.*

#lovelikelogi

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